where am i going?
i don't know
All i know is that i've to start

Yuuri!!! On Ice thoughts

>> Sunday, February 5, 2017

anyway...so hyped up, until i decided to throw in mine!

yes, ok ok ok ok ... "Yuuri!!! On Ice" wat? i like it! just that there are so many "hidden stuffs" unknown to me if not for the fans' explanations - really thank them! it's not your average BL anime, thing is i'm used to Junjou Romantica, Loveless - all these anime are pretty much direct. i've never gotten so much headaches until Yuuri On Ice - i seriously MUST HAVE the explanations or i'm COMPLETELY LOST.

They've gotten the right voice actors. i was laughing so much with the WOW! AMAZING! and all the English, Russian, Japanese exchanges with Victor and Kastsudon - er - Yuuri! Fangirls all over swoon with this Victor. Wait..did i tell u i'm a 2d fan? heh. Besides that..i have never seen an anime that doesn't tell u straightaway that this is a BL anime - HOLD ON. IT'S NOT JUST A BL ANIME. Thing is ALMOST EVERYTHING seamlessly blends in, without you knowing it - it just seems so - NATURAL. Well, ALMOST..bcos there are other pairings which hint so much for canon pairings - like - CANON PAIR ALREADY!!! Goodness, all the fans are SCREAMING, "CAN YOU HEAR - OUR HEARTBEATS?!!!"

so ya, Yuuri On Ice is a history-maker. As if, from the start, it was meant to be. The song has captured fans' hearts, the ice-skate choreography is REALLY choreographed. The movements - i've never seen an ice-skating anime before, let alone such seamless frameworks that..this is what ice-skating is in anime. It is so worldwide that they even got famous sportsmen as the characters themselves, in different languages. WIN. Absolute.

i just hope Kubo Sensei won't stress herself out to over-fatigue. See, there's always this pressure to give "2nd season better than the 1st". What's even more, this anime is FAMOUS WORLDWIDE...well, if i am not mistaken - check out raving reviews, fanart, fandoms pairings, fans' combing the pictures of the anime, explanations, comments and some ACTUALLY FLY THERE TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE PLACES - W <3 and="" etc.="" even="" gape="" needless="" of="" p="" ros="" say="" skating="" some="" themselves="" to="" tried="" upload="" videos="" w="">
so yeah, WORLDWIDE PRESSURE. Not to mention it won awards. And Victor is No.1 anime boy!

i guess every fan goes, "How i wish my relationship would be as lovable as Victuuri." Anime makes me cry, i kid you not. And for once in my life - DOGS TAKE CENTRESTAGE!!! Don't get me wrong, i like anime-cats too, but..it DOES GET TIRED. SO YES!!! HISTORY MAKER!!!

by the way...this anime ended way few months ago. Yet, it has a HUGE LOYAL WORLDWIDE FANBASE of fans who still feel it's NEVER ENOUGH.

sad if it only ends one season. However, on the other hand, not surprisingly if it really happens, The hype is extremely strong, so much success, the pressure - how can one handle? how does one innovate? It is a very dear anime. Some anime last one season just for that lingering effect. Perhaps it should have ended that way to let Victor and Yuuri continue their relationship behind closed doors (again: i'm a 2D fan n i speak of the characters as if they are in real life - oh c'mon, cut me some slack already)

 BUT CONFIRMED 2ND SEASON - i tell you WE JUMPED IN WILD EXCITEMENT. i assume it's still in the works as no news of its release date, we could wait..not surprising if it's next year..HOLD IT

it's a GREAT anime, you say, and you say the ending is rushed, so, to give stakeholders, sponsors, etc,. that commercial monetary (hey, let's be realistic about this shall we) success-effect TAKES TIME. What, don't they need to pay every single person involved? Hey, it's A JOB, mind you. While fans oogle, drool, fantasise (i'll not continue) about Victuuri, OtaYuuri, etc. .. who does all the behind-the-anime-stuffs? they don't do it for free. Not to mention they asked famous sportsmen to join in the fun in voicing the characters in the anime - don't you think they should be paid in return too? They're pros, no matter what.

By the way, the whole crew is limited to a budget. Go over it, you'll have to wreck your brains to convince to justify - and how much more to practically beg for. Welcome to the real world. It really sucks but people will say, "Hey, money makes the world go round."

as much as i grit my teeth in frustration about the money part..all i hope is that everything runs smooth for the 2nd season. So let's cheer the Yuuri!!! On Ice people OK?! がんばー!



>> Wednesday, January 4, 2017

i'm tired

yes i am tired

tormented by obligations that i never ask for or want

tormented by my own mental illness that people think i deserved to be flame-ed n bullied. Sorry. i am very sorry for causing so much destruction and hate. i never wanted to be sick. never . i want to be normal. Have a normal life - even if it's a mundane normal life.

i wish i could smash my brains against the wall n bleed for the wrongs i've done because no amount of sorrys equate the painful hateful damage i've done.

i'm going to face the world in shame, resentment n hate..i've tried to be at my best behaviour..but..u, world, just takes advantage of me. i am tired. So tired n f*ked up until i start yelling angrily at strangers.

who am i? a monster. i have become a monster.



>> Monday, June 27, 2016

i cannot believe it! i'm so busy?!

things are getting better since i went for psychotherapy. It's a wild ride but the key is being receptive. Not easy. Why can't not have it earlier? i think i wouldn't be receptive. Years have mellowed me down to an extend. For me, i really believe that's an important state of self to being receptive.

thanks to the start of psychotherapy i've finally found myself. Sure things are still the stormy same at home but at least i could have my own voice in a little way or two but that makes a big impact. Although still living under the same roof but no longer hiding in shadows. Perhaps a sense of independence as in no longer having 100% of uncertainty as before.

wanted to stop this blog actually but decided to tell my story as abovementioned. i risk this because i want you, dear reader to know, that there are struggles within oneself on the internet. That people keep quiet about their illness but give a happy / nonchalant face. That there are people in this world suffering in silence about their psychological / emotional selves but dare not tell for fear of being questioned

but i want to tell you that there are a few of us who step out from our shadows to tell you, hey, there's no shame in seeing a doctor about your mental condition. There are kids as young as 10 years and below who are undergoing constant medication and counselling for their psychological well-being. There are people as young as 20 years old - you can't see that they have a mental illness. You can't believe your eyes when you think this person who's ordinary is an outpatient for mental illness. You can't believe a heavily tattooed person - as all the other patients just stare in fear and wonder why such a person who would be so brazen on the streets - would actually stand in sullen - maybe awkward - silence before pharmacist in a mental hospital who instructs how often to take the medication.

mental illness is a hidden illness. Mental illness is a general term of a full spectrum of diagnosis, eg, depression, autism, dementia, etc. From each diagnosis there's a more detailed level, and crossovers too. Then there's the root cause which can be an eternal enigma to even the highest level of professors, researches because scientists have only scrapped a thin surface of the study of the brain - why? because they are not gods. They aren't the creators of the human brain since the beginning of time.

it's dang awkward to say about my condition but hey, you're not alone. i'm not totally 'healed' yet but i have started to get rooted - that i can see forward more than dwell 100% in my past!

mental illness is slowly getting more public awareness but it wouldn't start if no one has the bravery to go and see a doctor for assessment.

take care of yourself


add on add on please!

>> Thursday, February 11, 2016

Japanese audio with English subtitles and English manual for Project Diva X please!!!! really need the English subs and manual this time!!



>> Wednesday, February 3, 2016

just when you thought all is well..the frustration continues

this is a new kind of oppression i've never had before


one level higher

>> Monday, January 18, 2016

means more words to type, more brain cells to kill..

but..i am surprised that my brain isn't as simple as i thought it would be

must be the increased medication


into the new year

>> Saturday, January 2, 2016

so we have entered the first weekend of the new year

my new year has been quiet. i was the only one watching the New Year countdown on tv at home. Nothing to celebrate anyway when you are on increased medicinal dosage and feeling the terrible side effects and no one understands you, not even yourself and you try to fill up the empty spaces of "what to do" when you used to hold a job and you ask your self-worth every single day of your pathetic life

perhaps there is another side of it. Perhaps taking something to a higher level - my brain i guess, haha

watching cable passes time but you wonder at those so-called "reality shows" - seriously. Oh well, just watch for the adrenaline rush i guess.



thank you for reading my blog..

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