where am i going?
i don't know
All i know is that i've to start
somewhere
...

ngry

>> Tuesday, October 10, 2017

i am bending over, my face as near to the laptop as possible

why?

my old spectacles can't serve me - my astigmatism and presbyopia has increased

adding more pain to that is my aching tailbone which has been screaming in pain since one month ago

there goes my plans

i'm so tired

and my new spectacles isn't cheap - i have no choice bcos of my backache and having to be the lookout for my mum while she always drifts away in her world of her own everytime we go out

i have no space

even as i type i'm reminded of pending housework

just wanna flip table and roar

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16 Sep 2017

>> Saturday, September 16, 2017

SAIYUKI RELOAD BLAST LAST EP NEXT WEEK?! SONNNNAAAA!!!!!!!

just when i thought i could work for consecutive days straight..ended up me in a meltdown: the obligation to finish the job. Then avalanche: things at home, ONE OBLIGATION, ANOTHER, ANOTHER, ANOTHER..%#@! WHEN WILL THIS END?!

so it has taken such a huge toil on me that i'd decided to hermit myself. Most prob play console games or just lie in bed or..WHATEVER. DANG I NEED THE DAY TODAY.

some prob will rest at the end of the month..if not i won't be able to do what i want and the whole vicious cycle starts again

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speechless

>> Sunday, July 23, 2017

he was the spokesman for our pain

he takes my pain to another dimension, wretching my flesh outta my skin, screaming the voices in my head, takes my thoughts to screams, howls and defiance, letting me live in such a way that at that point in time it was perfectly alright to feel that way with all the scars, the pain, the trauma, the hurt, anger, frustration, silent screams

and that sinking into oblivion is not an option bcos someone has spoken the pain in my head and heart that i so wanted to tell the world about

pain yet defiance - refusing to give in, finding the strength to stand up with all the wounds in your screaming head, heart, spirit, body - in one's seemingly f*ked up life - there's still defiance

yet he gave up

but who are we to say?

yes, we are happy to hang around with friends, we laugh, swore, whatever, onstage the fans are there

but sh*t really happens when you're all alone

imagine fighting traumas for 40 over years. Add multiple substance abuse to the menu and we get a full-blown medical brain trauma: we hurt and kill parts of our brain which might have been long dead before we know it - we don't want the memory, we don't want to face the memories every single bloody f*king day of our life. We get tired. Day by day.

Yes, therapy. Therapy is good

but then again, what, after a therapy session? we're all alone again. To fend our nightmares that we live in broad daylight. We don't see you - we see our perpetrators, our abusers and all the pain, hatred, anger, frustration that goes along with these

we can't function anymore

we can't see the light anymore

it's too much

his passing is painful, yet in defiance, it is also an insult to me, still struggling and living my nightmares, taking my meds regularly to control myself to be the better person which i believe in and it's working. Listening to my therapists, faithfully rewinding what they say again and again in my head. i just have to be defiant and tell myself it's ok, i'm in the dark, i'm all alone in the dark BUT I HAVE THE MENTAL SKILLS AND TOOLS to try to live on. AS LONG AS I AM LIVING BREATHING ON THIS EARTH SO I MUST NOT END MYSELF. YES I AM TIRED BUT AS LONG AS I'M STILL LIVING AND BREATHING - i cannot give up.

Mr Chester Bennington, you gave us defiance. It's been 3 days and i'm still grieving. Yet, in defiance, because of the defiance that you speak through to us through the songs - i will live. If it's meant for anyone who likes Linkin Park, or for anyone who's going through treatment for their illness, or for anyone who feels the world has abandoned them..even if it's for myself, even if it's for God, i have to live on.

RIP Mr Chester Bennington.

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SNK Season 2 afterthought

>> Sunday, July 16, 2017

DEFINITELY GOTTA HAVE SEASON 3 AND MORE!!!!!!!!

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Saiyuki Reload Blast thoughts

>> Saturday, July 8, 2017

Finally it's here!

it's awesome bcos i rarely get the chance to follow an anime series for years after its long hiatus. i'm always far behind when it comes to anime.

so yes! i am a fan of Saiyuki anime series, having grown up with the original Journey To The West.

Nostalgia fills the air at its first episode of SRB. And i wonder if the seiyuu of Eren Jaeger in Attack of Titans is in it! People are expecting something new. Sure, new enemies.

but y'know...voices change over time. We have grown older, so do our vocal chords. We used to sound sharper but as years go by we sound more 'rounded'. Yet the fundamental timbre of our voices do not change - we recognise the characters as who they are. We remember the characters as who they are.

Although it's a challenge to bring them to the year 2017 which may consider as a new series to some, it's the nostalgia that makes the series as what it is - and brings fans to the new era

and nearer to the West.

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yep still using Blogger

>> Monday, July 3, 2017

What? just because there's Facebook Blogger no more?

i just wanna type. Long time no type. Wish i could type like the Choppy Busters - so many words per second. Maybe i should try audio typing one day. Would be interesting. Bcos my fingers are itching to type again. Since when i forgot - t'was a few days ago i think, totally forgot why.

so yeah, things are back to 50% 50% - blessings. It's always what i forgot about.

And i'd realised i could daringly do what i like to do n not be bothered.

But then there's this "itch". I'd never knew. I thought, "Ah well, old already, don't need to feel i need a boyfriend." I was so wrong. A pang of loneliness shoots right into my heart whenever i see couples. Sigh, aren't they lucky...

but there's that dilemma: i'm already messed up enough, so is my background. Best not "drag" someone into my life already. Marriage? What's that? Looking around now, i'm cool, surrounded by by game consoles.

Virtual boyfriend?! ISN'T THE ANIME "YUURI ON ICE" ENOUGH ALREADY?! wonder if there will be a manga series..bcos i think manga series IS MUCH MORE EXPLICIT THAN ANIME - and we have more of Yuuri and Victor's shiny red butt cheeks to drool and ogle at - SCCCRREEEAM!!!

anyway, back to reality (bleagh)

so ya, maybe one day i'll try audio typing since i like to type so much

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speak

>> Sunday, June 4, 2017

i can never ever have the patience to repeat myself

i can't even handle my own problems - i need to have time for myself. Which part of "leave me alone" you didn't get?

sigh

just wish i have my own apartment

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lastly..

thank you for reading my blog..

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