where am i going?
i don't know
All i know is that i've to start
somewhere
...

busy~

>> Monday, June 27, 2016

i cannot believe it! i'm so busy?!

things are getting better since i went for psychotherapy. It's a wild ride but the key is being receptive. Not easy. Why can't not have it earlier? i think i wouldn't be receptive. Years have mellowed me down to an extend. For me, i really believe that's an important state of self to being receptive.

thanks to the start of psychotherapy i've finally found myself. Sure things are still the stormy same at home but at least i could have my own voice in a little way or two but that makes a big impact. Although still living under the same roof but no longer hiding in shadows. Perhaps a sense of independence as in no longer having 100% of uncertainty as before.

wanted to stop this blog actually but decided to tell my story as abovementioned. i risk this because i want you, dear reader to know, that there are struggles within oneself on the internet. That people keep quiet about their illness but give a happy / nonchalant face. That there are people in this world suffering in silence about their psychological / emotional selves but dare not tell for fear of being questioned

but i want to tell you that there are a few of us who step out from our shadows to tell you, hey, there's no shame in seeing a doctor about your mental condition. There are kids as young as 10 years and below who are undergoing constant medication and counselling for their psychological well-being. There are people as young as 20 years old - you can't see that they have a mental illness. You can't believe your eyes when you think this person who's ordinary is an outpatient for mental illness. You can't believe a heavily tattooed person - as all the other patients just stare in fear and wonder why such a person who would be so brazen on the streets - would actually stand in sullen - maybe awkward - silence before pharmacist in a mental hospital who instructs how often to take the medication.

mental illness is a hidden illness. Mental illness is a general term of a full spectrum of diagnosis, eg, depression, autism, dementia, etc. From each diagnosis there's a more detailed level, and crossovers too. Then there's the root cause which can be an eternal enigma to even the highest level of professors, researches because scientists have only scrapped a thin surface of the study of the brain - why? because they are not gods. They aren't the creators of the human brain since the beginning of time.

it's dang awkward to say about my condition but hey, you're not alone. i'm not totally 'healed' yet but i have started to get rooted - that i can see forward more than dwell 100% in my past!

mental illness is slowly getting more public awareness but it wouldn't start if no one has the bravery to go and see a doctor for assessment.

take care of yourself
おだいじに!

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add on add on please!

>> Thursday, February 11, 2016

Japanese audio with English subtitles and English manual for Project Diva X please!!!! really need the English subs and manual this time!!

http://vocaloid.wikia.com/wiki/Hatsune_Miku_-Project_DIVA-_X

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>> Wednesday, February 3, 2016

just when you thought all is well..the frustration continues

this is a new kind of oppression i've never had before

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one level higher

>> Monday, January 18, 2016

means more words to type, more brain cells to kill..

but..i am surprised that my brain isn't as simple as i thought it would be

must be the increased medication

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into the new year

>> Saturday, January 2, 2016

so we have entered the first weekend of the new year

my new year has been quiet. i was the only one watching the New Year countdown on tv at home. Nothing to celebrate anyway when you are on increased medicinal dosage and feeling the terrible side effects and no one understands you, not even yourself and you try to fill up the empty spaces of "what to do" when you used to hold a job and you ask your self-worth every single day of your pathetic life

perhaps there is another side of it. Perhaps taking something to a higher level - my brain i guess, haha

watching cable passes time but you wonder at those so-called "reality shows" - seriously. Oh well, just watch for the adrenaline rush i guess.

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pretty much of the end

>> Tuesday, December 29, 2015

it's been a rollercoaster ride

pretty much back to square one

these months have taught me a lot and somehow the answers are much clearer to me now.

all these years of moving on my own..and all the while i thought i was useless, hopeless, aimless, purposeless.

i'd realised i'd carved out a life of my own, that i've gone where very few people had gone to. And that's where they all stay. Some may stay, some may go.

but for me, the choice is clear.

i've seen it now, and i'll live out the life that's for me.

i've lived with inconsistencies in my life, always wanted order like the 'normal' world - being in constant order, being in mind of this and that

not saying i am throwing caution to the wind but it is getting clearer to me now that i've to accept and live the life that i've been doing and living for these past years.

i have not stopped. i just rested. i just needed time. i want to see.

so screw everything if you think what i'm doing is wrong, not logical, naive, childish, uesless, not much money, think of your future, etc.

i did, and i have come to accept my wild life.

i will live the way i had not been, if i fall, i will rise again, if i break, i will fall, take time to pick up the pieces and move on again

i am tired and i'm 'killing' myself. Enough is enough

it's time to stand up to a problem - inconsistency

i'd realised i've been inconsistent, knowing the state of health and mind i have been living unknowingly for years that somehow i have been dealing it in a way that many don't understand - with lotsa prodding from them somehow to get back on my feet and move.

and i had been aware when inconsistency starts distracting me. Perhaps it's a calling, perhaps it's a reason to sit back down and look into my life again: what i've missed, this is what i really want

i'm not justifying but that's them. For they don't understand. They don't live the life i live, they don't suffer the life i live, they can't even be in my shoes! but given the similarities in their life experiences they could only relate a little.

only a few who has been in my life has known to guide and direct, pointing me to an absolute way which i am now grateful for

come now what inconsistencies again, i will be open to it this time. i will not push away. i will sit, i will look, i will pray

and perhaps in the end lead the life that it's meant to be, that it's already there but it takes time to 'touch' it

it's my long journey of life

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tired

>> Tuesday, September 22, 2015

again

i'm being bullied because i'm at the lower end of any hierachy. The only thing i wanna do is stay at home and play my game. At least i'm safest here. i feel low about myself. i don't know what good am i. Clever i am not. There are people out there who just want to make my life miserable. They just want to win, so they just trample on me because i am the most vulnerable, easy to be bullied, because i don't fight back.

because if i do, i'll end up berserk and can hurt anyone physically in my path

i tried everything to make my life work. Everytime i do something it ends up in failure because it's not my destiny, not my fate

and now, the worst is yet to come

an old severe injury of mine is coming back to get me. i am feeling the nagging pain there. If taken care of, i can delay ending up in hospital. However my job will not allow me to do so. In fact, any job.

i have dreamt not once, but a few times of me being on a wheelchair. Perhaps this is my fate.

what have i done to deserve this? where did i go wrong? i tried so hard to live like each day is the last, yet now -

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lastly..

thank you for reading my blog..

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