where am i going?
i don't know
All i know is that i've to start

ah...Google and Windows..black fonts please

>> Monday, August 27, 2018

all i want is just to change the colour of your fonts from grey to black, it's not about extensions, whole contrast change, or zoom. There are people like me who are "in the middle". I still miss those days when we can customise our own colours for menus, taskbar, even fonts respectively without the need to calibrate, gamma or change total contrast theme. Just give us back the choice for us to change our font colours to black, please.



>> Friday, February 2, 2018

the day when u r really stuck at home n there's nothing you can do about it

feel so useless, not being able to work like everyone else. Everyone is happily going out, they can go out

as for me..just stuck at home

and the worst thing is i cannot spend much

i hate it

they say light at the end of the tunnel

they forgot to say while in the tunnel

susume..in a dark tunnel..they never said anything about it. they never said anything about the pain being in the tunnel, carrying this frustration while trudging on, asking yourself when in the world when your suffering will ever end

it's not that i don't appreciate the small things in life. i do. and i don't take anything for granted. bcos i've never been given great things in life

i'm tired


nearing end

>> Thursday, December 21, 2017

can't believe we've reached the end of the year

last year was madly raving about Yuri On Ice. Still am a fan

having fun with my new keyboard. ROCK!! :)



>> Tuesday, October 10, 2017

i am bending over, my face as near to the laptop as possible


my old spectacles can't serve me - my astigmatism and presbyopia has increased

adding more pain to that is my aching tailbone which has been screaming in pain since one month ago

there goes my plans

i'm so tired

and my new spectacles isn't cheap - i have no choice bcos of my backache and having to be the lookout for my mum while she always drifts away in her world of her own everytime we go out

i have no space

even as i type i'm reminded of pending housework

just wanna flip table and roar


16 Sep 2017

>> Saturday, September 16, 2017


just when i thought i could work for consecutive days straight..ended up me in a meltdown: the obligation to finish the job. Then avalanche: things at home, ONE OBLIGATION, ANOTHER, ANOTHER, ANOTHER..%#@! WHEN WILL THIS END?!

so it has taken such a huge toil on me that i'd decided to hermit myself. Most prob play console games or just lie in bed or..WHATEVER. DANG I NEED THE DAY TODAY.

some prob will rest at the end of the month..if not i won't be able to do what i want and the whole vicious cycle starts again



>> Sunday, July 23, 2017

he was the spokesman for our pain

he takes my pain to another dimension, wretching my flesh outta my skin, screaming the voices in my head, takes my thoughts to screams, howls and defiance, letting me live in such a way that at that point in time it was perfectly alright to feel that way with all the scars, the pain, the trauma, the hurt, anger, frustration, silent screams

and that sinking into oblivion is not an option bcos someone has spoken the pain in my head and heart that i so wanted to tell the world about

pain yet defiance - refusing to give in, finding the strength to stand up with all the wounds in your screaming head, heart, spirit, body - in one's seemingly f*ked up life - there's still defiance

yet he gave up

but who are we to say?

yes, we are happy to hang around with friends, we laugh, swore, whatever, onstage the fans are there

but sh*t really happens when you're all alone

imagine fighting traumas for 40 over years. Add multiple substance abuse to the menu and we get a full-blown medical brain trauma: we hurt and kill parts of our brain which might have been long dead before we know it - we don't want the memory, we don't want to face the memories every single bloody f*king day of our life. We get tired. Day by day.

Yes, therapy. Therapy is good

but then again, what, after a therapy session? we're all alone again. To fend our nightmares that we live in broad daylight. We don't see you - we see our perpetrators, our abusers and all the pain, hatred, anger, frustration that goes along with these

we can't function anymore

we can't see the light anymore

it's too much

his passing is painful, yet in defiance, it is also an insult to me, still struggling and living my nightmares, taking my meds regularly to control myself to be the better person which i believe in and it's working. Listening to my therapists, faithfully rewinding what they say again and again in my head. i just have to be defiant and tell myself it's ok, i'm in the dark, i'm all alone in the dark BUT I HAVE THE MENTAL SKILLS AND TOOLS to try to live on. AS LONG AS I AM LIVING BREATHING ON THIS EARTH SO I MUST NOT END MYSELF. YES I AM TIRED BUT AS LONG AS I'M STILL LIVING AND BREATHING - i cannot give up.

Mr Chester Bennington, you gave us defiance. It's been 3 days and i'm still grieving. Yet, in defiance, because of the defiance that you speak through to us through the songs - i will live. If it's meant for anyone who likes Linkin Park, or for anyone who's going through treatment for their illness, or for anyone who feels the world has abandoned them..even if it's for myself, even if it's for God, i have to live on.

RIP Mr Chester Bennington.


SNK Season 2 afterthought

>> Sunday, July 16, 2017




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