speechless

he was the spokesman for our pain

he takes my pain to another dimension, wretching my flesh outta my skin, screaming the voices in my head, takes my thoughts to screams, howls and defiance, letting me live in such a way that at that point in time it was perfectly alright to feel that way with all the scars, the pain, the trauma, the hurt, anger, frustration, silent screams

and that sinking into oblivion is not an option bcos someone has spoken the pain in my head and heart that i so wanted to tell the world about

pain yet defiance - refusing to give in, finding the strength to stand up with all the wounds in your screaming head, heart, spirit, body - in one's seemingly f*ked up life - there's still defiance

yet he gave up

but who are we to say?

yes, we are happy to hang around with friends, we laugh, swore, whatever, onstage the fans are there

but sh*t really happens when you're all alone

imagine fighting traumas for 40 over years. Add multiple substance abuse to the menu and we get a full-blown medical brain trauma: we hurt and kill parts of our brain which might have been long dead before we know it - we don't want the memory, we don't want to face the memories every single bloody f*king day of our life. We get tired. Day by day.

Yes, therapy. Therapy is good

but then again, what, after a therapy session? we're all alone again. To fend our nightmares that we live in broad daylight. We don't see you - we see our perpetrators, our abusers and all the pain, hatred, anger, frustration that goes along with these

we can't function anymore

we can't see the light anymore

it's too much

his passing is painful, yet in defiance, it is also an insult to me, still struggling and living my nightmares, taking my meds regularly to control myself to be the better person which i believe in and it's working. Listening to my therapists, faithfully rewinding what they say again and again in my head. i just have to be defiant and tell myself it's ok, i'm in the dark, i'm all alone in the dark BUT I HAVE THE MENTAL SKILLS AND TOOLS to try to live on. AS LONG AS I AM LIVING BREATHING ON THIS EARTH SO I MUST NOT END MYSELF. YES I AM TIRED BUT AS LONG AS I'M STILL LIVING AND BREATHING - i cannot give up.

Mr Chester Bennington, you gave us defiance. It's been 3 days and i'm still grieving. Yet, in defiance, because of the defiance that you speak through to us through the songs - i will live. If it's meant for anyone who likes Linkin Park, or for anyone who's going through treatment for their illness, or for anyone who feels the world has abandoned them..even if it's for myself, even if it's for God, i have to live on.

RIP Mr Chester Bennington.