open door

i'm screaming
internally of course

being surrounded with people ten years younger than me, being surrounded by their progress, talking about just one topic which i cannot relate to at all, totally shut out from their sight. i feel miserable - infinitely

in my mind all i could do was screaming at myself for the lack of finances for education and good psychological upbringing which has resulted in me as a slow developer - intellect-and-social-skills. i am lacking 10 years of what i am supposed to be

hearing all their talk about taking the next educational phase in life, learning what they want - it all seems so smooth for them, it brings me down - 'cos mine isn't

being with those of my same age, they already are on their career paths, flying high with recognition and prestige

"So what do you wanna do?" i get this sentence every time.
i duno, cos wat i wanna do i can't
"Then don't dwell on it," many reply
i can't help but to dwell on them - cos what i wanna do - are my passions

i dun understand why, time and time again i've been besieged by series of terrible events that even cripple my desires which abruptly end my career-plan, one after another. i don't know why i can see things from a different point of view that in fact i am being protected from harming myself further which i 'kill' myself for being a fool to follow and live with nothing but empty hands

isn't there a place i can really be in a league of things which can bring in money?

all i feel now is nothing but screaming in the darkness

yes, i keep telling myself again and again, "it's not logical, i deserve to be happy, i make the choice to be happy"

now stripped of the dream that i had been chasing all along, i find that there are things deeper other than just chasing a dream - is that a calling?

"Well, (you'd better) compromise on both sides, don't take my dream away, i'm not compromising. i've been listening to you as much as i can. i'm not a kid anymore, i deserve to have a share of my own life."

but i've realised i've been holding on tightly, pushing the hand away that reaches out

well, at least for this month, it gives me a break to hopefully see and have the doors opening to me

somehow i get the feeling i will be outstationed

sigh..there goes my dream...