pretty much of the end

it's been a rollercoaster ride

pretty much back to square one

these months have taught me a lot and somehow the answers are much clearer to me now.

all these years of moving on my own..and all the while i thought i was useless, hopeless, aimless, purposeless.

i'd realised i'd carved out a life of my own, that i've gone where very few people had gone to. And that's where they all stay. Some may stay, some may go.

but for me, the choice is clear.

i've seen it now, and i'll live out the life that's for me.

i've lived with inconsistencies in my life, always wanted order like the 'normal' world - being in constant order, being in mind of this and that

not saying i am throwing caution to the wind but it is getting clearer to me now that i've to accept and live the life that i've been doing and living for these past years.

i have not stopped. i just rested. i just needed time. i want to see.

so screw everything if you think what i'm doing is wrong, not logical, naive, childish, uesless, not much money, think of your future, etc.

i did, and i have come to accept my wild life.

i will live the way i had not been, if i fall, i will rise again, if i break, i will fall, take time to pick up the pieces and move on again

i am tired and i'm 'killing' myself. Enough is enough

it's time to stand up to a problem - inconsistency

i'd realised i've been inconsistent, knowing the state of health and mind i have been living unknowingly for years that somehow i have been dealing it in a way that many don't understand - with lotsa prodding from them somehow to get back on my feet and move.

and i had been aware when inconsistency starts distracting me. Perhaps it's a calling, perhaps it's a reason to sit back down and look into my life again: what i've missed, this is what i really want

i'm not justifying but that's them. For they don't understand. They don't live the life i live, they don't suffer the life i live, they can't even be in my shoes! but given the similarities in their life experiences they could only relate a little.

only a few who has been in my life has known to guide and direct, pointing me to an absolute way which i am now grateful for

come now what inconsistencies again, i will be open to it this time. i will not push away. i will sit, i will look, i will pray

and perhaps in the end lead the life that it's meant to be, that it's already there but it takes time to 'touch' it

it's my long journey of life